A Journey of Wild Hope
Staying ‘because it’s our church, too’ had come to feel like complicity by another name. And even staying for the Eucharist made me wonder at what point I had to stop letting the hierarchy use the real presence to excuse the inexcusable. Does Jesus ever feel like he’s being held hostage?
(Melinda Henneberger’s “Why I left the church, and what I’m hearing about it,” NCR Dec 5, 2018)
I read this during the first week of Advent and it’s remained with me since. Melinda articulated something I’ve been trying to work out since the Pennsylvania Grand Jury reportand the recent investigation released about the Jesuits. I’m entering 2019 with a new perspective, a new sorrow about the state of the structural church and a new freedom that I’ve learned from the Spirit to live out my vocation.
For the past ten years I’ve been very worried about staying in the church. I’ve stayed to work for justice. I’ve stayed because being part of the church, organized as we know it, felt like home. I’ve stayed because I believe women should have a place at the table. I’ve stayed because a lot of people have told me that the church is the people of God.
So many people have told me this. Nearly every priest who I’ve shared my vocation story with has shared something to this effect. “The church isn’t only the structure or the institution, etc, etc.” “Stick with it, we need people like you to work for change.” As Melinda said so eloquently, staying for these reasons began to “feel like complicity by another name.” Complicity in standing by while the structural church uses this theology to hold on to its corrupted power. Complicity in propping up a patriarchal system that says, we want you but not really.
This year something changed for me in the journey of exploring and discerning God’s call to priesthood. I have sensed God’s liberating power whispering, “this structure is not mine, let it go.” No more complicity.
I’m not waiting anymore to live into this call. Not one more second. After countless tears, after years of undiagnosable stomach problems (stress and anxiety), after feeling out of place and without a place – I’ve entered new space. God has given me this gift.
So, I’m staying and I’m letting the institution go. It might not make sense. I don’t know what it will look like. But I know this- the structure, the hierarchy, the systems, the corruption, the oppression. Those are creations of man. And so, I’m staying with the people of God. I’m staying with the universal church. God has placed in my heart a wild hope I cannot shake. So I’m staying. Staying and letting the institution go. That might mean I seek ordination in another denomination or something I can’t yet imagine. Staying is about being with God, about loving the world. About exploring and discovering God’s vocation and living it out. Actually living it out. Beloved ones, here’s to a new year. Here’s to living into whatever it is God is inviting us into this year.
A mantra for 2019:
Be bold
like the
Magi.
Do not
tarry,
settling
into
your comfort,
but rather
set out
keeping
the star
in your
vision.
It will lead
you
to the place
you are
most
in need of
the place
where
God is.
And if
an angel
warns you
in a dream
not to
return
by the old
way,
please
listen.
(Christine Rodgers, Song for the Feast of the Epiphany)
6 Responses
The church is “one, holy, catholic, and apostolic,” but not necessarily patriarchal. Hierarchy is not the problem. Patriarchy of the problem. Male headship is an ancient but entirely artificial cultural custom, not natural law. After the resurrection, nothing requires that apostolic succession be exclusively male. Vaya con Dios.
I’ve already tried stepping out and enjoyed the freedom. I also realised after a while that I was totally ignored as an outsider. Since then I’ve stepped back in, because that’s the only place I will be listened to.
May the Great Mystery keep you company on your journey.
I used to belong to a wonderful peace and justice church that was, essentially, my life. Even there-as wonderful as it was-I eventually felt oppressed by the male priests who could/would not step out of the patriarchy to support women priests. In fact, most of the people would not want to outwardly support women priests because the community was so important to them and they feared being closed down by the AD. I understand this. But those in power rarely give it up and the church has enough money to keep it going for quite a few generations, all the while stringing you along with pap like, “We need people like you.” The fact is that no one in that particular church community would ever remain in an organization that actively and knowingly discriminated against people of color. But they remain in a church that actively and openly discriminates against women. Every church community, however liberal and “just” is complicit in the oppression of women – and gay people. The oppression and violence of the institution is done in the name of all Catholics. I am a Roman Catholic Woman Priest and have a new and equally wonderful community that meets every Sunday in a chapel we rent from a United Methodist Church. We are every bit a parish, every bit a community, every bit a beloved community. We welcome everyone and give everyone communion. We don’t use sexist language and pretend that it’s OK. There is life after the RC church and it is just as meaningful. Seek us out or seek out ordination in a non-Catholic denomination. The Lutherans, Episcopalians, United Methodists are filled with former Catholics who could no longer be complicit in the power machinations of the RC Church which has had nothing to do with Jesus since Constantine made it the religion of the Roman Empire.
This is a beautiful post, Natalie. Blessings.
Natalie, your words so resonated with me. I know first hand what your tears, pain, and all that you have described can do to one’s soul. I also know that there is indeed life beyond the institutional church. You can live out your priestly vocation and find the freedom that your “within” so longs for in many ways. How blessed you are that God has given you the gift of a new space with the words, “this structure is not mine, let it go”. What a clear affirmation! If it would be helpful for you to “just talk”, feel free to contact me. Blessings on your new, exciting journey as you continue to listen to the Spirit.