Actively Waiting

[Editors’ note: Maryclare O’Brien-Wilson is a 2018 awardee of the Lucile Murray Durkin Scholarship for Women Discerning Priestly Ordination. This is the second of three in a series of reflections from our 2018 awardees on how the scholarship impacted their journey over the academic year. Read the first reflection, from Allison Connelly, here.]

“I found God within myself and I loved her, I loved her fiercely.” This quote by Ntozake Shange dances across the cover of a card I received for my confirmation in high school. I reflected on these words as I applied for the Lucile Murray Durkin scholarship just over a year ago and now they hang on my wall next to my bedroom door. This image, and the message it preaches, reminds me to live into who God created me to be, especially when I question where my path is leading me.

Emboldened by receiving this scholarship, I entered my first year of pursuing a MDiv with the strength and support of a community who affirms my vocation. This affirmation of my call sustains me as I study alongside my Jesuit brothers whose path to ordination is an accepted and well-worn trajectory. Without an equally established goal at the end of my degree, I am more unsure of where I want to end up and what I want to do with my life. I have spent much of my year readjusting to the academic setting and balancing work, school, community, and self-care has become an intricate act that leaves me eager for experiences that shake up this routine and stir the spirit within me.

I enjoy challenging what I know of scripture and embracing the theological roots of the faith that I love; however, this year has also been rifled with feelings of restlessness and my desire to take action rather than sit in the classroom day after day. At a time when the abounding injustice in our country feels paralyzing, it becomes difficult to justify sitting in the classroom when I want to be on the picket line or at the border standing alongside my brothers and sisters. 

In Matthew 24, Jesus preaches about the coming kingdom through a series of parables. In verse 42 he notes, “Keep awake therefore, for you do not know on what day the Lord is coming.” We know neither the hour nor the events that will occur, but through Jesus, God calls us to be vigilant and stay alert. When I hear these words, I reflect on the feeling that my three years of graduate school consist of merely waiting and preparing for when I can make moves for justice, but I also know that this waiting cannot be passive. This message further challenges me to believe that I am called to remain open to the Spirit moving through me and my graduate studies, despite not knowing what comes next. None of us can predict the future or what will be asked of us, so I challenge myself to continue to patiently trust.

We can be bold, active, and loud in our waiting, because we must not fall asleep and miss our call, our intended purpose. If I am too eager to race around the next corner in search of the blaring alarm of where my gifts are needed, I may miss the small whisper of God that pulls me deeper into my vocation in the moment. Through the empowering network of the Women’s Ordination Conference, I have attended conferences like Call to Action put on this Spring, and have connected with women MDiv graduates who are utilizing the tools of their degree to pursue faithjustice. These experiences remind me of my purpose and the beautiful ways in which God has placed me on a journey of discernment and discovery.

I can sense that God is calling me to settle in, build relationships, and explore the opportunities that I have to make ripples in the water that I am immersed in now. With two years ahead of me I am learning to accept the journey I am on, seek spaces and relationships that call out my vocation from within me, and embrace the unknown, letting God work through me.