The “Likability Trap” and Us

If you are reading this and are female, you will know exactly what the “likability trap” is and probably have been at some point been at its mercy. I sure have and sometimes, I shudder to think, may still be.

It’s a snare that entraps women who want to use their power to effect change in an organization, institution, Church, and/or the world.  Put simply: If women are too likable, they see others disrespect, dismiss, or undermine their authority and leadership potential. If they are too assertive or commanding, they see others label them as unlikable, i.e. strident, controlling, domineering, and, yes, they see the same outcome: Others ignore, patronize, or undercut their authority and leadership potential. Caught in that kind of snare, anywhere they turn, whatever they try, they – we – lose…in organizations, in business, in politics, and, most certainly, in the Catholic Church.

I was particularly excited, therefore, when I saw this title in an August 18, 2019 New York Times article: “How Women Escape the Likability Trap.” I remembered my own mortification at a professional development workshop when my co-worker managers and I were asked to write under each person’s name one word to describe them. The most common adjective for me was “pleasant.”  Pleasant???  Here I thought I was dynamic, influential, innovative, effective, but I was really just “likable.” Ouch. I did not want that label to hold us back from being effective agents for change. What do we do?

Article author Joan C. Williams points out what we, I believe, already know and what I think contributes to our exhaustion: “So savvy women learn that they must often do a masculine thing (which establishes their competence) in a feminine way (to defuse backlash).” She counsels women “to behave as assertively as comes naturally and see what happens. If you find your effectiveness jeopardized because you being yourself triggers dislike, then you need to decide whether overcoming the backlash is worth the sacrifice.” She wants us to use “femininity as a tool kit,” one tool for example, “mixing authoritativeness with warmth” Her example anecdote described a female executive using the strategy of sharing something personal with the males under her supervision so that she seemed less intimidating in the meetings she led. Well, if it works, we could chat up the bishops and then sneak in and makeover their minds with all our valid points! Too much sacrifice perhaps?

Notice, by the way, in the sentence above, I said “makeover” rather than “bombard” or “takeover” or “conquer” the bishops’ minds? I did this on purpose to demonstrate another strategy to snap that likability trap, one I finally, well, liked: Let’s “makeover” the language, recode it so that it works for all of us. Her example? In businesses across the country, those striving to win over new clients are called “hunters.” One woman rebelled, calling herself instead a “gardener.” She doesn’t conquer and capture; she cultivates and enriches. That sounds like a powerful strategy for all genders seeking to harvest justice everywhere.

Oh, but it’s such a lot of work. Until our Church hierarchy stops buying into what the author says is decades of research showing Americans seeing a good woman as one “focused on her family and community, rather than in her own self-interest,” however, it’s work we have to do. That latter part of the description of women is certainly a Catholic hierarchy favorite, including their adding that women seeking ordination are just ‘acting out of their own ambition and self-interest.’ We don’t even have to recode that last set of words. Let’s stress, reinforce, celebrate even, that a woman or person of any gender seeking ordination has a “calling” and, like it or not, is acting out of their desire for the common good of all.