Praying through Pandemic Feels
I always start my class with a temperature check to gauge how much energy my students have. My favorite and easiest way to do this is by asking them to show me, on a scale of zero to three, where their energy level is. They then hold up that number of fingers in front of their chest and I can see where we are a bit. I try to lean into the twos and threes and let the kids who held up a fist or a one ease into class or take a break a little bit. That has been hard these last two weeks since we came back from Christmas break because virtually every student has shown me a zero or a one.
I don’t blame them. I am drained too. Being back in the classroom this semester feels like starting school again last August when we didn’t have vaccines and had just had a semester of fully remote learning around the globe. I am fed up with bad policies regarding covid at local and nationwide levels regarding health and wellness, I’m fed up with having to do Covid Calculus for every decision, I’m fed up with navigating this “unprecedented time/school year.” I’m fed up with virtual worship and workshops, I’m fed up with plans and holidays getting changed and canceled, like the rest of you, I’m just tired.
I have been trying to come up with something to write about for this weekend’s blog for the last two weeks and nothing was sparking. I used my own exercise on myself, where is my energy? I asked myself what brought me any energy over the last two weeks and my nerdy answer was course writing. I love teaching because I get to spend time preparing materials for students to work with. Choosing scripture, texts, art, music, film, and narratives for them to analyze and reflect on brings me joy. And, I realized, this is probably when I am the most prayerful.
Sometimes the prayer starts with lament…where are the women and non-binary people in these resources? Where are the stories of the marginalized? Why don’t all my students have representation in this text? That lament leads to a prayer for guidance… How can I use this topic to guide my students to build a stronger relationship with God? How can I use this unit to show a diversity of experience? How can I help students express their own authentic spirituality? After much lamenting and begging (and raging and gnashing of teeth) the prayer finally turns to one of thanksgiving. My syllabi and curriculum maps are not perfect, but the experience of praying through those questions instead of just living in the anger and the uncertainty have changed my perspective on getting that part of the job done.
My experience of pandemic life has been varied, there were times of joy and creative spirit, there were times of desolation and dark nights of the soul, times of apathy and times where I felt strong enough to drag others along with me. I know I am not the only one that has felt the highs and lows this way. I know that we are in a particular low right now too and that in a few weeks or short months everything may turn around again, but it is hard to remember to pray through the feelings this pandemic is leaving in its quake.
The slow plow of the pandemic, with all of its giving and taking, is not unlike the patriarchy. A few handouts or small policy changes here and there as performative relief, but when those run out we are back to the fight again. I’m not the first to equate the pandemic with the patriarchy, they are obviously both oppressive systems. Both affect all people in a multitude of ways, and the lasting effects will and have greatly changed society. We aren’t done yet with this pandemic, and I know the constant reminder of that is a heavy burden as well.
The only way out of this pandemic is to face it together. That IS something that the people of WOC understand and know how to do well.