Epiphanies

As (some) Christians celebrated the Epiphany this past weekend and we close out our Christmas celebration of Jesus, the Light, coming into this wonderful broken world, I am reminded that the Magi did not put periods on their journey—they were open to commas. I am reminded of the Clash’s song, should I stay, or should I go? The Magi went, they did not stay, but they did have an epiphany: They saw The Light. They brought gifts to THE Gift. 

The Magi went seeking. They found. They returned on a different road. They were in some way changed by this encounter with The Light. 

I identify with the Magi—I am seeking. I am trying to discover and grow my gifts. For so long, I associated the Magi with bringing valuable gifts. Raised in the United States and falling prey to the capitalist notion of money as a “god,” I have struggled with money. I have been in recovery from overspending and debiting since July 2022. I have/had such a disordered relationship with money. It was a surrogate for love in my home. I was raised by parents who grew up during the Great Depression and that left an indelible mark on their relationship with money, and mine. I love my parents deeply, now more for the flawed human beings they were (are?). I know they did not intentionally do this to hurt me. But I am realizing that I now have to forge my relationship with money. It is one of the most difficult things I have done for myself, but I see my recovery is indeed a spiritual solution to a worldly problem. 

I now focus on the meaning of these gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. I cannot deny these presents were valuable, but it is the intention with which they were offered, and the true gift of the Magi’s presence, that now resonates with me. For so long I have tried to buy people’s affections with extravagant gifts, to my financial detriment, because I wanted them to know how much I loved them. I recognize now I was equating love with money—and if I am being brutally honest, power and control—and that cuts me deeply.

Thankfully, that notion no longer serves me. It is the intention and presence that matter. I will be recovering from this disease for the rest of my life. I am “OK” with that—for are we not all works in progress? Preparing the way of…the Lord? Love? Light? Peace? 

The Magi have also shown me that church is where Jesus is. It truly is in a community, where two or more are gathered. Gifts are freely given because THE Gift provides us with all we need. Where bread is broken and shared. I realized I had to be broken to know my gifts and share them—freely. I now celebrate my brokenness, and I never thought that was possible. But Godde is infinitely patient and loving and showing me, like Ken (Barbie movie reference) I am ENOUGH. Terry Enough😊.

I no longer leave my home to “go” to church. I have found my faith community in Canada with the Lethbridge Inclusive Catholic Community Fellowship and Mary of Magdala Inclusive Catholic Community, and my world will never be the same. 

It took me a while to feel at home in the church of Zoom and break-out rooms, but here I am. I have embraced the idea that my home (Sophia’s Sanctuary) is a domestic church. I am her sacristan, charged with maintaining it and keeping it in such a manner that it is a safe place to live, grow, and lean into abundance, clarity, and wholeness. And maybe where I will lead liturgies in the future. Godde knows.