Slowness, Serenity, and Squiggy

Godde grant me the serenity.

To accept the things, I cannot change.

Courage to change the things I can.

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time.

Enjoying one moment at a time.

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as they did, this sinful world.

As it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that They will make all things right.

If I surrender to Their Will.

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with them Forever and ever in the next.

[Side notes about pronouns. I believe Godde is Godde. Omniscient. Amazing. Loving. Creator. Lover. The list goes on. It seems disrespectful to call Godde “it”.  Godde, for me, is so much bigger than a binary choice. And to say Godde is male is limiting. It is equally limiting to say Godde is female. Godde is. I am trying out the plural pronouns because it seems more accurate for the Godde I am getting to know. To be clear – I do not think Godde cares about their pronouns.]

The first part of the serenity prayer is well known, particularly to anyone in a 12-step program. But the second half was equally reassuring.

I remember reading The Road Less Traveled and the beginning line, “Life is hard.” Through the years that one sentence has stuck with me. I thought M. Scott Peck was being a little melodramatic in my twenties. However, with age comes wisdom, and I now realize there is no “perfect” anything. Life is messy and that is OK.

This morning, I woke up and these four statements presented themselves:

• Fred is gone.
• Squiggy is gone.
• I am here.
• I have a job.

Fred is my husband whose graduation date into new life is on March 10^th.

Squiggy is my cat, who at the time of this writing has gone AWOL and has been missing for the past 48 hours. I am exhausted, hungry (I cannot eat), and just wish this tailless Houdini of mine would come home.

I was enraged that Godde would let Squiggy get out at the same time I was mentally preparing myself for honoring my husband and dealing with any feelings that bubbled up around his suicide.

What was odd, is despite the worry and anxiety (which I know does not serve), I was not a complete and total basket case. Progress!

Then I had these thoughts this morning. Clear statements of my reality. I then did an amazing meditation led by Sebene Salassie around hope. One nugget I took away in this meditation, was to replace letting go with letting it be. A word, but a pretty significant distinction, she explained. I had to sit with that for a minute or two.

Not to mention the songs Let it Be and Imagine are ones I pray with – often.

So, I sat and meditated. With each exhalation, inviting myself to breathe into that phrase – let it be.

And then I got it. If I allow myself to be hijacked by fear, anxiety, and worry – I cannot live in peace. This is not a blissed-out, I am one with the universe kind of experience. This is my cat is gone and I am afraid for him and anxious that I will never see him again. But I do not have to let it disturb how I show up. I do not have to let it steal my joy and inner peace. I can sit and be at ease with all the emotions – just by stating them directly and honoring that this is hard. This is huge – for me. I am realizing old dogs can learn new tricks. Progress!

Then, Teresa of Avila showed up in the mix tape that is my mind and reminded me:

Let nothing disturb you.

Let nothing frighten you.

All things are passing away:

Godde never changes.

Patience obtains all things.

Whoever has Godde lacks nothing.

Godde alone suffices.

Suffice it to say, as a teacher, a week before spring break, and being a caretaker to a willful cat who wants to roam, I did not fast much from anything this week. I know, in A Different Kind of Fast, I was being invited to fast from speed and rushing and embrace slowness and pausing this third week of Lent. Thankfully, next week is spring break and I have set aside time for Godde and I to hang out. I am looking forward to our time together.

Amen & Namaste